A Very Sweet Conversation (Sarcastic, Not!)

Josh: Mom, why are you always on a diet?

Me: Because you said I was fat.

Josh: No I didn't.

Lou: Yes you did.

Josh: Oh yeah, because when you walk, your legs always jiggle.

Dash: And Mommy's tummy looks old!

--

Thank you my boys. You are such dahlings. 

Get Lost.

You came into his life - my Dad's. You made him believe he would feel better, that he would forget his problems, that his pain would lessen. And for a time, I think he actually believed you. But you broke my Mom's heart. You made it difficult for her but she stuck through it. She tried so hard to make you leave but you wouldn't. My Dad got so addicted to you. I saw how you destroyed my Dad. He was so full of talent, of passion for what he loved doing but you came into his life and distracted him. You hurt him. I got angry at you. I despised you. My Mom and I despised you. And the worse thing? You took my Dad away. You burned his liver. You made him suffer. 

I saw how it almost destroyed my Mom and Dad's marriage. So many times I found myself crying. You always distorted my Dad's perception of things. People disliked him when he drank you - even his own family. You took him away. You did him no good. You killed him.

Before it does the same to the family I have right now, stop. I don't want to be rude. So before I slam the door in your face, please leave.

NOW.

One Gentle Soul

He's my Dad's dog. CB, short for Charlie Brown came to us over 13 years ago. A month before we got CB, we had a black cocker-terrier named Bozzy. Bozzy was a naughty, naughty dog who became such a huge part of our family that when he was ran over, we grieved and mourned his death. My Dad, Mom and I thought that the best way to help ourselves move on would be to get a new dog.

CB was very different from Bozzy. He was gentle and mellow although he was a barker. On the day my Dad died in 2004, it was as if CB knew. He never yapped as much since then.

I am very scared about facing the day when CB will go to dog heaven. Given that he is 13 years old - human years, he is pretty old in dog years. I don't think I will ever want to get another dog after CB for fear of getting too attached again.

We all love CB.

Unplugged II

Growing up as an only child, I felt like I was a gold fish in a fish bowl. A thousand eyes peering at me. Once in a while, an obnoxious finger or hand would tap violently on the glass and shake the calm waters where I was swimming. There would be those who would stare at me for hours - years in reality, some would occasionally stop and look and then go on with their lives, some would happily look and even talk. But all I could remember was there were eyes constantly on me. All the attention was on me- sometimes I liked it but sometimes I despised it.

As I have gotten older, I think I never got over that feeling which is why I have always believed that I have to please everybody and when I don't, I get so frustrated. For a time I thought the world revolved around me. And now, I want to shale it off. I want to get over it but I am finding it hard.

Life has thrown a lot of oranges when what I wanted to make was an apple pie. It has challenged me with so many frustrating moments. And the problem is that I often get too caught up in thinking about what others would think of me and my actions rather than working on my actions instead. I often tend to absorb myself looking around and putting up my guard rather than just letting loose and doing what must be done.

Uncertainty scares me and right now, I feel like that's what I am swimming in. I am trying to hold on to something because I feel the current is too strong, I might be carried away to rougher waters I may not be able to tread in. I feel scared and desperate, confused and alone. To literally scream my head off and say that's all I actually needed would be an understatement. Why is the cold biting me too much? How come I am unable to light the fire I so desperately need to warm me and make me feel safe from the blistering cold?

I lack the confidence to assure myself that I will be ok.

For Today

Today I don't really know what to say. Right now, I don't really know what I am feeling. Last night's thinking and pondering left me so exhausted. My heart was beating so fast all through the night that it woke me up more than just a couple of times. I've never been able to just "let things be." I don't know if that's good or bad. 

Thank you for your kind words and thoughts. 

Going back, today I found myself just thinking and thinking. And thinking and thinking. I kept praying and have been praying. I know I need to trust God on this even if right at this moment I am finding it hard to believe in what I am saying and in what I want to believe in. God is in control and I know He will never let me go. 

Tomorrow, I wonder. I hope. I trust. I'm still thinking and tomorrow, I'll probably still be thinking. 

Me. The Real Me. Just Me.

For all you who have found the perfect husbands, I just want to say good for you. Because I didn't. Much as I have never really talked about my marriage, I just want to be true to myself right now. I am broken. Wondering if things will ever get better. I have thought about starting a private blog somewhere else where I could soak in my anonymity, pour out all of my angsts and just be me. But this is my blog and this is my space. I have chosen to spill a bit more than what I usually do.

More than the family pictures, the funny stories of the kids or anecdotes of my everyday life, I am much more human than just that. I hurt. I cry. I break.

That's where I am right now. Hurting. I was shouted at and was threatened to be left. Do I deserve it? I don't know. There are always two sides of the story. He has his to tell. I tell mine here. With 3 kids - the youngest 8 months, I don't see myself raising my children alone. My parents, despite their differences, made me know how much love they had for each other and for me and they stuck it out. When he doesn't get what he wants, he makes it a huge deal. I cry. He despises me. I cry some more. He goes on to do what he wants to do. I cry.

I cry. Crying is my friend. Puffy red eyes and a throbbing headache. I cry. It makes me feel good. I cry. That's what temporarily relieves the pain. I cry.

I'm scared. What will tomorrow be? I'm afraid.

I've always been.

They Say Their From Mars

So my husband volunteered to do the grocery and I was more than pleased when he did offer so I made him a list. Then I received a text message: Babe, what kind of flour? Cornstarch? Baking soda.

Really.

I wanted to be my sarcastic self but the guy was doing me a favor. So I said, "Flour babe. Not cornstarch. Not baking soda. Flour.

He picked me up after work. When we got home, I took a look at the goods he bought.

"No flour?" I asked

"When I asked the lady where the flour was, she showed me the shelf. All I saw was white."

Majorly rolling my eyes.

"Why did you get this?" I said while holding up the margarine.

"You wrote down butter" He answered.

"Yeah I said butter. Not margarine. This is margarine."

"Looked like butter to me."

MEN. Don't we just love 'em?