I have had 10 helpers in 18 months and I don't think that it is doing me or my kids any good. It has traumatized me and my children but I have no choice but to keep getting helpers because I do not have anyone who can take care of my children permanently while I am at work. It is very stressful because it drives me to the point where sometimes anger wells up in me asking why I can't have my Mom or Dad anymore.
I think that I have been trying to deny my feelings of late to pretend that I am ok. I miss my Mom terribly. Even if it has been 6 years, I can't say that the intensity of the feelings have improved in any way. Circumstances like these even make it worse and harder for me to try to move on from the feelings of grief. I don't like it because it hampers my everyday outlook on life. It brings about feelings of desperation and hopelessness. I find myself thinking of "if only" thoughts all the time.
I feel so sorry for my kids. I feel sorry for them because they don't have anyone permanent in their life - except for me and their Dad of course but seeing a new face every other month just makes them wonder what the heck is wrong with them that no one ever stays for good to look after them while both the husband and I are at work. I feel the saddest for my youngest because he has been under the watch of too many caregivers and he is only 2 and a half years old. My eldest grew up with my parents around, my second had a nanny who stayed around until he was 4 years old.
I'm feeling really low right now.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Monday, October 31, 2011
My 5 Year Old
Me: Baby, come here pls. Baby! come here, baby.
(calling my 5 year old)
Dash: I'm not a baby Moms!
Me: Well, you are my baby. Come here baby.
Dash: I'm not a baby Moms! I'm a lad.
Me: What?! Lad?! Do you know what a lad is?
Dash: Yes. A small boy.
Me: Uhh ok. Come here then, lad.
Dash: Coming lass!
Me: (Thinking, seriously?!?)
Me: Lass? Am I a lass?
Dash: Yes, you're a small girl.
Me: Small girl? I'm a small girl?
Dash: Yes, you're much smaller than Dad.
Thanks kid. I mean, thanks lad.
Really.
(calling my 5 year old)
Dash: I'm not a baby Moms!
Me: Well, you are my baby. Come here baby.
Dash: I'm not a baby Moms! I'm a lad.
Me: What?! Lad?! Do you know what a lad is?
Dash: Yes. A small boy.
Me: Uhh ok. Come here then, lad.
Dash: Coming lass!
Me: (Thinking, seriously?!?)
Me: Lass? Am I a lass?
Dash: Yes, you're a small girl.
Me: Small girl? I'm a small girl?
Dash: Yes, you're much smaller than Dad.
Thanks kid. I mean, thanks lad.
Really.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Part Time writing
I have been wanting to write articles as a part time job, does anyone have any idea how to get started? I tried searching for writing opportunities through craigslist.com and saw a few postings where I could possibly apply. So I sent an email to the indicated links but have not heard from them. I wonder if this means I am not qualified? I also sent my resume to another email ad. I was asked how much my rate is and when I did reply, they never got back to me.
Any more ideas, anyone? Need to earn extra income.
Any more ideas, anyone? Need to earn extra income.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Nipping It At The Bud
I went to see a child therapist today. It all started with my desire to have my kids assessed in terms of their intellectual and cognitive skills mainly for my 5 year old because at 5 years old and in his last year of pre school, his teachers say that he is ready for 1st grade. In our country, one must be at least 6 1/2 years old when the child enters 1st grade. Dash turns 6 in May and if we do decide to put him in 1st grade by June of next year, will only be 6 and a few days old when he starts grade school. My questions are, is he really ready - intellectually and emotionally?
Since I have a friend who is a child therapist and works at a center for childrens needs, I asked her opinion and she was very supportive and thought it would be a good idea for me to have the boys assessed. In the first place, they do not allow mere assessment (testing). The kids will also have to go through play sessions to evoke a more wholistic picture of the child to the therapist.
As the session went on, I talked about my 3 boys giving detailed descriptions of each of them. As the session went on, the therapists perception of the picture I painted in her mind was that Josh, my eldest, is the one who needs the assessment the most.
Josh is a boy who has seen a lot. He was born to me when I was a teenager and when I had him, I didn't exactly mature overnight. I had no idea what I was doing as a mother back then. I was torn between the fact that I needed to be a mother but I also still wanted to do things that teenagers did. When Josh was only 2, he witnessed 3 deaths in the family - my mom, my dad and my husbands dad - all of whom were very close to him. After my parents death, times were tough. I was also 6weeks pregnant with my second My husband was also having a hard time coping with his dads death. I often turned to Josh and poured out my heart to my then 3 year old son. I remember he would sit beside me and listen to me cry while stroking my hair. After that, things happened so fast, I had my 2nd child and then my 3rd. Josh was in a way, required to grow up too soon.
Toady, I have a very kind 9 year old but often times I notice that he worries too much and can get anxious easily especially when he finds himself in uncertain situations. He sometimes lacks confidence in the things he does as he is often overshadowed by the assertiveness of Dash.
This is all preemptive I think. Plus I would also want to hear it from someone else -- whatever there is to be said. So we start in 2 weeks - meaning Josh will be going for his first session with the therapist.
We'll see where this will take us. Somewhere, I know.
Since I have a friend who is a child therapist and works at a center for childrens needs, I asked her opinion and she was very supportive and thought it would be a good idea for me to have the boys assessed. In the first place, they do not allow mere assessment (testing). The kids will also have to go through play sessions to evoke a more wholistic picture of the child to the therapist.
As the session went on, I talked about my 3 boys giving detailed descriptions of each of them. As the session went on, the therapists perception of the picture I painted in her mind was that Josh, my eldest, is the one who needs the assessment the most.
Josh is a boy who has seen a lot. He was born to me when I was a teenager and when I had him, I didn't exactly mature overnight. I had no idea what I was doing as a mother back then. I was torn between the fact that I needed to be a mother but I also still wanted to do things that teenagers did. When Josh was only 2, he witnessed 3 deaths in the family - my mom, my dad and my husbands dad - all of whom were very close to him. After my parents death, times were tough. I was also 6weeks pregnant with my second My husband was also having a hard time coping with his dads death. I often turned to Josh and poured out my heart to my then 3 year old son. I remember he would sit beside me and listen to me cry while stroking my hair. After that, things happened so fast, I had my 2nd child and then my 3rd. Josh was in a way, required to grow up too soon.
Toady, I have a very kind 9 year old but often times I notice that he worries too much and can get anxious easily especially when he finds himself in uncertain situations. He sometimes lacks confidence in the things he does as he is often overshadowed by the assertiveness of Dash.
This is all preemptive I think. Plus I would also want to hear it from someone else -- whatever there is to be said. So we start in 2 weeks - meaning Josh will be going for his first session with the therapist.
We'll see where this will take us. Somewhere, I know.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Getting Started. Back to Business.
With the husband away for the past 3 weeks for training with his new job (yey! more on that later), we were able to spend 5 days together for a short vacation. He noticed how whiny and (possibly) bratty our 2 year old was everytime he was around me. It irritated the heck out of Jet everytime Arrow would want to get what he wants and it irritated him more when I would (in Jet's opinion) give in to Arrows wants.
It did irk me though when Jet would always, always try to drive home his opinion that, "Arrow has me tied around his finger." Point taken, whining is extremely annoying and can drain the strength out of me or anyone for that matter. Many times I would also want to snap at Arrow but there was one thing that always held me back.
With my eldest, he was surrounded by grandparents (both my parents and my husbands dad) who made him his world. I was 19 and still a student when I had my eldest and so my parents and my father in law gave us so much support when it came to raising Josh. This even meant my son preferring to sleep with my Mom over sleeping beside me. He was extremely loved.
My 2nd son, Dash grew up with Reyma, his nanny who loved him very much. She practically raised him since birth up until he was 4 years old. I returned back to work when Dash was only 8 weeks old and I would leave him most of the day with the nanny. Dash loved her very much also and he found comfort in her.
With my youngest, all he has is me - which is how things should really actually be. And maybe, for whatever reason, I want to be a better mother this time and be who I wasn't able to be to my 2 sons when they were also Arrow's age. Arrow no longer has his Lola or Lolo or Grampa or Reyma to run to but he has me and I want to him to always feel that until he is much older. Maybe I am filled with guilt which is why I am trying to make up for all of those feelings now. Maybe. I am still trying to sort through my feelings about this. Bottom line is, I just want Arrow to know that no matter what, there will be someone who will forever defend him, understand him and most of all, love him unconditionally.
It did irk me though when Jet would always, always try to drive home his opinion that, "Arrow has me tied around his finger." Point taken, whining is extremely annoying and can drain the strength out of me or anyone for that matter. Many times I would also want to snap at Arrow but there was one thing that always held me back.
With my eldest, he was surrounded by grandparents (both my parents and my husbands dad) who made him his world. I was 19 and still a student when I had my eldest and so my parents and my father in law gave us so much support when it came to raising Josh. This even meant my son preferring to sleep with my Mom over sleeping beside me. He was extremely loved.
My 2nd son, Dash grew up with Reyma, his nanny who loved him very much. She practically raised him since birth up until he was 4 years old. I returned back to work when Dash was only 8 weeks old and I would leave him most of the day with the nanny. Dash loved her very much also and he found comfort in her.
With my youngest, all he has is me - which is how things should really actually be. And maybe, for whatever reason, I want to be a better mother this time and be who I wasn't able to be to my 2 sons when they were also Arrow's age. Arrow no longer has his Lola or Lolo or Grampa or Reyma to run to but he has me and I want to him to always feel that until he is much older. Maybe I am filled with guilt which is why I am trying to make up for all of those feelings now. Maybe. I am still trying to sort through my feelings about this. Bottom line is, I just want Arrow to know that no matter what, there will be someone who will forever defend him, understand him and most of all, love him unconditionally.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
OMG. It's September already.
I'm back. I hope. I can't believe where the whole of August went. The "ber" months are here and soon Christmas will be just around the corner. Last weekend a typhoon passed out city leaving so much damage and the rains had been pouring since then. The sun only decided to come out today.
Many things have been happening. For one, the husband has been applying for a job and we are praying that he does get this one he has been called back for for a final interview. I am the more anxious one I think. Three kids is a lot of financial responsibility. And deny it or not, one working parents salary will never be enough.
Anyway, everything else has been the same old. With the 2 older kids going to school and the littlelest one growing to be a fine young little boy.
How have you been?
Many things have been happening. For one, the husband has been applying for a job and we are praying that he does get this one he has been called back for for a final interview. I am the more anxious one I think. Three kids is a lot of financial responsibility. And deny it or not, one working parents salary will never be enough.
Anyway, everything else has been the same old. With the 2 older kids going to school and the littlelest one growing to be a fine young little boy.
How have you been?
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